baring my bones on the subject of love.

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i grew up overcoming many adversities. 

early on, i wrecked my life to find the perfect plug for the hole in my soul. 

i've learned to walk through many trials and troubles. 

one might say i am a strong woman. 

but there's one teeny tiny thing that quite recently became a giant granite boulder 

in my path:

love. 

it's easy for me to push you away, keep you at arm's length. 

i can laugh with you, cry with you, delight in your stories, tell you mine. 

but the one thing that baffles me every time, one thing i will not let you do to me: 

love.

'til now.
'til now.

three days. many pages of journaling. multiple sticks of pencil lead. 

i wrote and wrote. 
i erased.
and then i wrote some more.

trying to find the meaning. 

yeah. sure. i'm an overthinker. 

i try too hard and too often to figure things out. 

i wish i could just let it all go. 

but it's the nature of this beast. 

my job entails thinking planning walking-thinking walking-planning....

so i'm quite used to processing in ye ol' brain spaces. 

but just to turn it all off, to let it all go, to feel instead of think....

it's difficult for me. 

i scoured the books on the shelves, searching for the meaning of love. 

i can tell you what all the words say. 
i can relay to you all the definitions. 
but, to feel it? 

i promise you: i shall try.

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