you see, this is what i feel: 2.

********

funny, ain't it:

once you're on the other side of what you were feeling,

it all becomes quite evident. 

1 + 1 = 2

so to speak. 

if you were to say 

1 + ? = ?

then you wouldn't really know the outcome. 

so: 

here i am. 

on the other side of yesterday. 

i awoke yesterday feeling:

something is awry in the universe. 

something is not quite right. 

something is going to happen. 

something is shifting. 

so here's what i now know:

my intuition told me my sister was struggling. 

and she was:

she let me know last evening. 

it's time to sell off our mother's collections.

why is it so difficult to part with belongings?

why does it feel like the loved one

dies a second time around.... 

then i went to work

and

stood by a friend as she died....

my hand on her chest....

watching her slowly breathe her way out of this world.

telling her 

"i will not leave you." 

i stood that way for 30 minutes. 

i spent the better part of the night

comforting others. 

and: 

now i want to crash and burn. 

now i want to empty out and cry. 

as i drove home this morning:

in the cold. 

in the rising sunlight. 

in the quiet.

just as my jeep turned over 16,000 miles:

two tiny twin moose

crossed the highway in front of the jeep. 

i sat there in awe. 

breathing. 

realizing:

i have all i need. 

right here. 

right now. 

it saddens me to think 

others will own all those pieces of who my mother was.

others will own things i grew up holding and cherishing.

but i have all i need:

alaska.

the pencilfox family. 

my vast collections. 

my friends. 

i have love. 

i am soul....

********