night before day and the next day. journal entry.

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4:30 a.m. and I am awake since 3:30 a.m.'ish. Downstairs to go outside to sit on the deck to watch Tō and Zig meandering out there in the dark, wandering in sawdust out in the drive, the sawdust pile from Michael's latest project. Earlier in the evening he so sweetly apologized for tracking-in sawdust after he had swept the floor. I don't mind, I tell him, I have not been complaining. I remind him I have not been complaining -- any remnant of dirt, sand, sawdust, dog hair, any remnant brings me into a place of peace, a place of being present in my life. 

I don't know what hit me during the day, what went awry. I had been so joyful, and then, after going to the grocery, I stopped at the post office in my home community, and ⇾ that gal not honouring physical distancing repeatedly entered my safe space ⇀ me, with face covering, her, not ↼ and all of a sudden, my bubble of OK-ness burst. I drove the short distance home, and very briefly broke into tears. Yes, yes....that was what happened. I thought maybe I meant to say I melted down....I felt a need to cry....but, no, it truly was I broke into tears.  And for a bit of time, I could not function. I could not hold a thought, I felt empty, I was depleted, I felt violated, I felt sadness. Yes, sadness. Temporarily, I lost my place, I lost my bearing. I lost belief that we are all in this together, as the television ads like to tell us. Where are the face coverings, where is the physical distancing, where is my space, my bubble? Where is my OK-ness?? Momentarily, I lost my OK-ness. Momentarily, the world was filled with a lack of caring, a lack of adherence to guidelines and mandates. 

And now, with all this said, with all the words affixed into temporary permanence on these pages, I know my place right now to be here, here, in my fortress, lying on my side in this bed built for us, for us. Tō is next to Michael, Ziggy is at my hip, Milo is on my hip, resting his head on my arm as I spill all my feelings out onto this paper. 

stop spinning

take a breath

all will be OK

it is all OK

hunker down

hunker down

I cannot change anyone. 

I can only change myself. 

I can only be. 

I walked into my book room, the guest room, and chose four books, carrying them to bed, placing pods into my ears, listening to meditations. 

let go of sadness

let go of grief

this world right now is too much for this empath

this world right now is too much for this intuitive to feel

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And, now it is the next day. The family is awake and already downstairs. I am slow to get this body out of bed because I wish to simply lie here and check how I am today. I say my thank you and prepare for the day ahead of me. It's a good life..........

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