singing to mom in the starlight.

********

you know.

my mother and i weren't the best of friends, but i was raised in the day and age

when a mom was supposed to be a mother first and not a daughter's best friend.

that being said, my mother and i had a strange intuitive connection.

she'd always know when i was going to pick up the phone and call her,

and i always knew it was her on the phone before i picked up her calls.

and the day she died, i knew.

when my sister called, i looked at the clock and i knew.

mister pencilfox and i went to see mom a few years ago,

back when she was still living in her own house,

her mind slipping just a bit, but she still knew us and she still loved us.

she wanted to give me something to take to remember her.

repeatedly she would hold something out and say

"take this."

you know, i couldn't. i just couldn't.

part of me wanted everything to stay in place in her house,

exactly where she had it,

so that i could remember her that way.

but she insisted.

"take something."

so i walked to a cabinet where there was a wee brass dog statue.
i remember that statue from the time i was a small child 'til i walked back into the house
 that day. 

i always loved that little trinket.

to me, it represented all the dogs i had known growing up,

and it represented my pluckie,

whom mom loved heaps and bushels, because i had no children,

so she and i would refer to pluckie as her grandpup.

anyway.

mom said:

"take something."

i said:

"this is what i want."

and i held in my hand the little brass dog.

i miss my mother.

today would have been her birthday.

early this morning, i went out under the stars,

surrounded by the mountains mom loved so much,

and i sang to her.

"ave maria."

you know.

i couldn't finish it without my voice breaking, tears streaming down my cheeks.

i know she heard me singing.

tears of missing mom, tears of joy that she's no longer in her pain.

so, nida moses bell, i sing to thee, this day.

i sing all the joys and all the sorrows and all the hard times and all the good times.

this song was for you.

********