looking deep within.

********

in august i began the process of deep soul cleansing. 

deep. 

i have emerged on the other side of it, stronger, more self-assured, 

withdrawing from social media, 

needing less the approval of others. 

while journaling and cleaning out the studio, 

i found this photo sent to me by my sister. 

our father. 

a boy-child but still with those features he took with him into manhood. 

there was only six of us paternal grandchildren,

and out of the six, i'm the one who favours our grandmother mamie, 

and i'm definitely his,

where my two siblings have obvious maternal traits. 

i look at this photo and i see myself. 

i see the me i have grown into, today. 

i still wear my socks bunched down around my ankles, 

and i throw my messenger bag across my shoulder, letting it lay at my hip. 

i still have those cheeks, that partial smile. 

i stand firmly planted on the ground, whichever ground it be. 

i have learned to burn the bridges of the generational aches and pains. 

i've cut those ties. 

i have put it all behind me, healing from the inside out. 

and looking past all the hurt, all the finger-pointing, all the blame for what i feel, 

i can look deeper now and see who i am in that little photo. 

i'm old, i'm new. 

i've living the dream, one day at a time, glad to be alive 

and even more glad to be a hinterland coyotegirl. 

********